my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
You Might Also Like
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*