I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
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Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Life hack
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted