Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
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Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.
Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Maybe Canadians are nicer because they live closer to Santa.