@RealSamHarwood

I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour

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@lazerdoov

Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?

Dude: no

Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway

@copymama

Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.

@ktmcburr

I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.

@heychikabumbum

I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain

@Pork_Chop_Hair

(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.

Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re

S: Oh ffs!

@tastefactory

JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*

@LuvPug

I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti

@Browtweaten

Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day

Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING

@underalls

Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar

@Cryptic1iam

Maybe Canadians are nicer because they live closer to Santa.