I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
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[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Lmao 🤣
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse