I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
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People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*