I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.

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It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.


The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.


Whoever just called my mom 3 minutes after she called me

You are a God!


FINISH HIM I yell to the ninth taco, while unbuttoning my pants to make room.


I quit watching awards shows, because I never win anything.


Stop blaming alcohol for your bad decisions. You’re still an idiot when you’re sober.


People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.


I keep getting bills from the Memory Erasing Clinic but I’ve never been there


Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?

Ruffles: bark!

Me: a word to describe shouting an order?

Ruffles: bark!

Friend: he’s just woofing

Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot