It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
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The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Whoever just called my mom 3 minutes after she called me
You are a God!
FINISH HIM I yell to the ninth taco, while unbuttoning my pants to make room.
I quit watching awards shows, because I never win anything.
So, I decided to do Super Bowl boxes..
Stop blaming alcohol for your bad decisions. You’re still an idiot when you’re sober.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
I keep getting bills from the Memory Erasing Clinic but I’ve never been there
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot