i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
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If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink