i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
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Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Did a trash talking tree write this?
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
My nickname in high school was “who?”
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying