Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
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teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?