@noneofyours99

I showed my family facebook a few years ago, and haven’t heard from them since.

Best decision ever

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@NarisaTrammell

When I google “at home remedies,” do not tell me to boil a ginger root like I keep a pantry full of ginger roots. I’m talking how can I fix this with some mustard, Coors Light and a gallon-size jar of pickles.

@wolfpupy

popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things

@JediGigi

“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth

@jackiembouvier

I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.

@TheAndrewNadeau

DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.

ME: No problemo.

DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.

ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.

@ZombieProblms

I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.

I’m not sentimental.

I’m just sick of tripping over them.

@AndyAsAdjective

7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?

ME: he’s a NASA scientist

@CornOnTheGoblin

[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]

@ClichedOut

I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.