PERSON WHO JUST INVENTED WINDOWS: Check it out.
PERSON WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT CURTAINS: I hate it.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
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“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Just ordered me some pizza!
*Eating mini Reese’s cups*
5&7: Mommy what are you eating?
M: Dog poop.
You know you’ve seen too many walking dead episodes when your hand gets stung by a bee and you start screaming for everyone to cut it off
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
My kid just put on an apron and made homemade brownies so forget the world, I’m not even the best mom in my house anymore.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
If I won a billion dollars, I’d help so many people. I’d help them into my deadly tank of man eating sharks under my evil lair.