@ChicksRule

I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.

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@athleisure_monk

PERSON WHO JUST INVENTED WINDOWS: Check it out.

PERSON WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT CURTAINS: I hate it.

@bostongal12

*Eating mini Reese’s cups*

5&7: Mommy what are you eating?

M: Dog poop.

@jake_lach

You know you’ve seen too many walking dead episodes when your hand gets stung by a bee and you start screaming for everyone to cut it off

@SaraMansford

My kid just put on an apron and made homemade brownies so forget the world, I’m not even the best mom in my house anymore.

@DirtMcTurd

I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes

@juanadog

Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…

@UncleKermit

If I won a billion dollars, I’d help so many people. I’d help them into my deadly tank of man eating sharks under my evil lair.