@jinglebayls

I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me

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@xLiserx

People who say laughter is the best medicine have clearly never tried curing diarrhea with a tickle fight.

@bricheeseyy

My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…

@jwblvd

MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.

ME: *thinks for a bit* …k

MAGICIAN: That is a letter.

ME: omg ur right

@Darlainky

*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*

*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*

@NYC_Blonde

“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs

@Adam__Melia

My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.

@ShootyDoody

Cilantro tastes like soap.

– People who eat soap, apparently