Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
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Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.