@jinglebayls

I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me

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@GrantTanaka

sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana

@ElleOhHell

Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.

@Try2StopME

Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.

@Ivsy01

Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.

Him: It’s a police report.

@VerifiedDrunk

Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time

@cravin4

Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.

@minkpinkustink

when people throw you away it’s very easy to internalize the message that you’re trash but before too long some raccoon will steal you out of the bin like you’re made of gold

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Go to bed

5-year-old: One more question

Me: Fine

5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?

Me

5:

Me: Get some coffee

@Just_Lee_

My revenge for being designated driver is putting my car seat warmers on high and convincing my drunk friends that they pee’d in their pants