When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
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When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
The Silence of the Lambs.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere