@GlumGeorgeLucas

I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited

I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo

That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers

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@HollyMemphis

When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.

@TheNardvark

When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.

@1KelliBelle

Me: promise you won’t show anyone?

Him: promise

*sends pics

H: that’s pics of fruit snacks

M: you said you wanted pics of my goods

@chashmaswag

My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.

@Swishergirl24

Doctor: You have bronchitis

Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?

@Book_Krazy

[on my deathbed]

Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?

Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.

Me: I’M UP!!!

@dave_cactus

WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.

@1Happytwit

Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.

@DanMentos

[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere