I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
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A customer told me they were never coming back….
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Cheer up.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.