I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
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if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
A completely valid reaction tbh
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay