I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
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“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home