I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
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Why would I want to fund a crowd?
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
channeling her this year
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.