I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
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Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!