serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
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I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Head says “Forget about her.”
Heart says “Tell her u love her.”
Bottle of whisky says”Ride the cat around the house & you’ll feel better.”
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Lindor chocolates are amazing and I’m not sure how everyone isn’t talking about them all the time.
P.S please don’t tell me anything bad about them right now, like if the owner is racist or something. let me finish this bag first.