@TEXASVETERAN

I sing like Sinatra and have the brain of Einstein. I think that’s why girls call me Frankenstein.

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@Robert_Fultz

I find it really annoying that eating food doesn’t heal wounds like I was led to believe as a kid. Damn Nintendo.

@TheToddWilliams

[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!

@3sunzzz

If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.

@postcrunk

is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?

@melissamcewen

Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“

@TheToddWilliams

[NASCAR Press Conference]

REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?

DRIVER: Fast circles

@Darlainky

I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.

@Home_Halfway

A cannibal and his vegetarian friend go to brunch. They both order a danish.

@MomofTeen

When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.