I sing like Sinatra and have the brain of Einstein. I think that’s why girls call me Frankenstein.

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I find it really annoying that eating food doesn’t heal wounds like I was led to believe as a kid. Damn Nintendo.


[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!


If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.


is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?


Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“


[NASCAR Press Conference]

REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?

DRIVER: Fast circles


I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.


A cannibal and his vegetarian friend go to brunch. They both order a danish.


When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.