*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
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Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
LMAO.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀