I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
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Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Pizza is an emotion right?
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.