I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
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Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Inside you there are two wolves
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull