A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
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I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Always a metermaid never a meter
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.