I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
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Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning