@timdonakowski: I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I'm sleeping.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@thatcarlygirl: Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
@Rob_Firm: Mannequin challenge but me just standing in the kitchen, in the dark, holding the ice cream container as my wife walks by unaware.
@junejuly12: Him: tell me about your longest relationship Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?