I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
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pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
My neck, my back, my…
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right