I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
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The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
“Do not iron”
Like that was ever going to happen…
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
It’s Saturday and over 10 boxes just got delivered.
It’s like Amazon wants me to get a divorce.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
*putting kid to bed*
Me: Goodnight, buddy, I love you.
7yo: Dad, you have to make sugar cookies to bring to class tomorrow. Goodnight!
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
I edited all the slow motion scenes in Baywatch back to regular speed. The entire series was only 16 minutes long.