I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
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Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
You know I’m something of a chef myself
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
buying dead houseplants to save time
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.