I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
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Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.