I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
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Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?