I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
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Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
There are no pants in heaven.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.