@RodLacroix

I slept like shit.

– how adults say “good morning”

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@KrangTNelson

ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]

MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing

@LifeUnPinterest

*Texting*

HIM: Do you have any snacks?

ME: In my panty.

H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”

M: Nope.

@chrisdowning

Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.

@funnyordie

LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice

@KentWGraham

ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.

WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.

@biggarf

I wasn’t good enough for you in high school but suddenly after 5 kids a husband and 3 boyfriends I’m starting to look good eh?

@CulturedRuffian

[INTERVIEW]

HR: What are your strengths?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

HR: Wow-Weaknesses?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

@3sunzzz

Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.

@sucittaM

You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.

@CaniacMONK

I hope I get a good grade on my kids science project this year.