Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
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Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Cinematography is my passion