coworker asked me if I needed a hug and now he doesn’t work here because people that are on fire can’t work.
I slept on the sofa last night which is weird because I’m not even married.
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microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
*baby takes first step*
wow took you long enough
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
This oatmeal tastes like I’m gonna need a doughnut.
The Frito Lay truck I’m tailing says ‘Driver doesn’t carry cash.’ Hahahaha. I’m not interested in cash.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.