@BangGanged

I slept on the sofa last night which is weird because I’m not even married.

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@web_supergirl

coworker asked me if I needed a hug and now he doesn’t work here because people that are on fire can’t work.

@playnikes

microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist

@AmishPornStar1

Never judge a book by its cover…

Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.

@FatherWithTwins

4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh

@TwinSurvivalist

If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.

@RachelMComedy

Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend

@MelodiMoon

The Frito Lay truck I’m tailing says ‘Driver doesn’t carry cash.’ Hahahaha. I’m not interested in cash.

@MBittersweet25

Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.