Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
You Might Also Like
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.