Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
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*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
lost dog
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar