I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
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*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.