@lisaOoOo

I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.

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@DamienFahey

When Chipotle says, “Guacamole is $1.50 extra, is that ok?” I pause, then say, “Hang on, let me call my financial advisor.”

@ConanOBrien

I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.

@markleggett

In America she’s called “Miley” Cyrus, but in other countries she’s called “What America would be like if it were a person”.

@MIKhanX

I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill

@david8hughes

[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado

@vivschwarz

Zoom sucks, we started having editorial meetings in Red Dead Redemption instead. It’s nice to sit at the campfire and discuss projects, with the wolves howling out in the night

@ShortSleeveSuit

COP: are you armed

ME: yes

COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count

ME [sadly]: then no