I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
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I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?