help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
You Might Also Like
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year