I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
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My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
when revenge coincides with naptime
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion