@envydatropic

I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing

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@LizHackett

A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.

@10InchesPlus

So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.

@STOTLE

Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.

@OBiiieeee

If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.

@SuperJuanderer

if you took every species of rattlesnake in the US and laid them end to end, I would yell at a safe distance, “STOP DOING THAT!”

@HatfieldAnne

“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”

@antiarzE

– do u like green eggs & ham?
– i do not like them, sam i am
– but why?
– animal agriculture leads to global warming sam read a goddamn book

@Dustinkcouch

Voldemort: *pointing wand at Harry* i hope you write to me every day from hell

Harry Potter: i would but *cocks pistol* no post on sundays

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Coworker: I never would’ve guessed you’re in your 30’s. You look so young.
Me: I’m old at heart.