A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
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Jim was never known for sharing
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
if you took every species of rattlesnake in the US and laid them end to end, I would yell at a safe distance, “STOP DOING THAT!”
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
– do u like green eggs & ham?
– i do not like them, sam i am
– but why?
– animal agriculture leads to global warming sam read a goddamn book
Voldemort: *pointing wand at Harry* i hope you write to me every day from hell
Harry Potter: i would but *cocks pistol* no post on sundays
Coworker: I never would’ve guessed you’re in your 30’s. You look so young.
Me: I’m old at heart.