@Pulse_NYC

“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”

~ Snowmen.

You Might Also Like

@Shen_the_Bird

hagrid: you’re a wizard harry
harry: I’m a what?
hagrid: a wizard
harry: (thought he said lizard at first) oh ok that’s cool too I guess

@RunOldMan

One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.

@OMGSoOverIt

(Seductively stripping out of clothes)

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

@rclyne02

They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update

@sip_at_home_mom

My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.

@Willie1derful

*receives text from wife

“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.

@StarWarsProblms

Anakin: Want to go out?

Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.

Anakin:

Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.

@man_in_radiator

I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.

@SukiTemporarily

scrooge: I hate poor people

[a night long adventure of self discovery and heartbreak and reflection]

scrooge: I will feed exactly (1) poor child