hagrid: you’re a wizard harry
harry: I’m a what?
hagrid: a wizard
harry: (thought he said lizard at first) oh ok that’s cool too I guess
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
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One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Stupid cats, can’t even YOLO
*receives text from wife
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
scrooge: I hate poor people
[a night long adventure of self discovery and heartbreak and reflection]
scrooge: I will feed exactly (1) poor child