“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
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[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”