“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
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I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉