“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
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likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls