I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
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billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die