I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing he’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

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My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.


My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.


People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up


[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!


[at work]

Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!

Me: Well, you know me, always working!

Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*

Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*


Statistics show that married men live a lot longer than single men. However married men are a lot more willing to die.


Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”


I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.