My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing he’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
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My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
“Donatello” ~ Italian man telling me to keep a secret
Statistics show that married men live a lot longer than single men. However married men are a lot more willing to die.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.