*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
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waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
channeling her this year
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.