@Brianhopecomedy

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

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@Brampersandon_

BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool

ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah

@jobrowneyes

Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?

-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender

@GroovyTasia

When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”

@gitson_shiggles

Hug your kids as often as possible.

They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock

@monicaheisey

“the uk couldn’t POSSIBLY leave”

“trump couldn’t POSSIBLY be president”

“we couldn’t POSSIBLY start eating each other out of necessity”

@starwuxian

pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.

@ImaFlyontheWall

Kid: Dad, a girl called me ugly, how long does ugly last..
Dad:Hey hun
Mom:Yes?
Dad: How old are you?
Mom: 45
Dad:theres your answer kid