I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

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BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool

ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah


Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?

-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender


When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”


Hug your kids as often as possible.

They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock


“the uk couldn’t POSSIBLY leave”

“trump couldn’t POSSIBLY be president”

“we couldn’t POSSIBLY start eating each other out of necessity”


pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.


Kid: Dad, a girl called me ugly, how long does ugly last..
Dad:Hey hun
Dad: How old are you?
Mom: 45
Dad:theres your answer kid