I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
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NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.