@Brianhopecomedy

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

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@squirrel74wkgn

*slams jug on counter*

Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.

Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.

@serendipitydon1

I just found the Covid-19 Yelp page and left such a scathing review that it may kill the virus.

@krisv_723

I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.

@the4nobletruths

A headhunter arranged a zoom interview for me with a fortune 500 company. He called the day before to go over a few tips. One was to be sure and wear pants. I’m feeling confident.

@truegritrumble

ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?

OUIJA BOARD: No.

ME: I don’t believe you.

OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.

@PwrFulWmn

You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.

@WheelTod

[Busy Diner]

Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”

Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”

@DougExeter

she had an itsy bitsy teeny weeny shared belief with mussolini