I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.

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*my wife walks in on me struggling with an optical illusion* its not what it looks like


Who decided to call it a proctologist and not an analyst?


GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right


Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.


guy I just met: ‘it’s nice to meet you’
me: ‘I’m tired of your lies’


My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.


Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.


“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”