I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
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Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids