The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
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*my wife walks in on me struggling with an optical illusion* its not what it looks like
Who decided to call it a proctologist and not an analyst?
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
guy I just met: ‘it’s nice to meet you’
me: ‘I’m tired of your lies’
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”