[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
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Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
good morning
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.