@ShittyComedian: I snorted enough cocaine last night to kill a horse, but in my defense that horse came out of nowhere.
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@Ramitology: Thank God you've updated your status to "Finished lunch" after you first posted "Going to lunch" I really couldn't tolerate more suspense.
@paperphotoyo: Him: Hey *types* *deletes* *types* *deletes* *Googles a cute reply* *looks at Wikipedia* *reads up on crime scenes* *forgets to write back*
@delusionaliam: Today, I saw that my ironing board cover was wrinkled. I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.