I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.

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It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.


Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns


Fool me once: Nice I wasn’t paying attention, good game.

Fool me twice: you know I smoke a lot of pot. This can’t be very challenging for you.


Baby, let’s stay up all night and watch people Instagram the sunrise.


I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.



thats “crime” but in alphabetical order

organized crime


You’re leaving Twitter? For good? That’s too bad. We’ll miss you. See you next week!


Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now


Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?


By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?