@krisv_723

I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.

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@findmydolls

It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.

@SortaBad

Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns

@AmnesiaRose

Fool me once: Nice I wasn’t paying attention, good game.

Fool me twice: you know I smoke a lot of pot. This can’t be very challenging for you.

@Smethanie

Baby, let’s stay up all night and watch people Instagram the sunrise.

@Marlebean

I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.

@fakegoldegg

ceimr

thats “crime” but in alphabetical order

organized crime

@peterjames48

You’re leaving Twitter? For good? That’s too bad. We’ll miss you. See you next week!

@bossy_bootz

Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now

@JasonLastname

Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?

@MomofTeen

By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?