I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
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Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
my fav colour is also hitler
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason