I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.

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“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.


I’m going bananas!

*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.


My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!

My bladder: Don’t listen to them.


Therapist: it seems like you fall in love too easily .

Me: what babe?


I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.


I have good and bad news

WIFE: Bad news first

We need a new front door

WIFE: And the good news?

[points to Monster Truck in living room]


*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*

Wife: Where’s Brian?

Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?


A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse


Ugh I hate the bathroom at this mall. There’s not a single urinal. Just a bunch of women screaming.