@Peteypops13

I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.

You Might Also Like

@Cheeseboy22

“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.

@darksidedeb

I’m going bananas!

*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.

@Just__J0

My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!

My bladder: Don’t listen to them.

@shaggy_og_

Therapist: it seems like you fall in love too easily .

Me: what babe?

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.

@dafloydsta

I have good and bad news

WIFE: Bad news first

We need a new front door

WIFE: And the good news?

[points to Monster Truck in living room]

@freypalm

*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*

Wife: Where’s Brian?

Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?

@MavenofHonor

A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse

@TheSwanDon

Ugh I hate the bathroom at this mall. There’s not a single urinal. Just a bunch of women screaming.