@Peteypops13

I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.

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@andrewdrafts

If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?

@GrantTanaka

Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”

@ThugRaccoons

Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*

Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….

Me: Shit.

@PatsATweetin

Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?

@nash_official

my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kids

my quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden

@MichaelTrying

Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.

@bmarked21

Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.

@ShaunRightNow

Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.

@TheBoydP

*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*

~Christmas shopping for my wife

@Brianhopecomedy

The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.