cop: “can you point at which zebra it was”
zebra: “ha good luck we all look the same”
me: [points at zebra wearing my sunglasses] “that one”
i sold all my lizards to buy my girlfriend a Toyota Tundra but she sold her drivers license to buy me a awesome obstacle course for lizards
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Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
[gf moving in]
her: can i set up a cloning machine in the basement
me: sure, make yourself at home
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
If Daryl doesn’t get laid this season, I’m gonna have to say that this documentary is fake.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
“911 what’s your emergency?”
– I’ve been catfished by a dozen men
“We’re on our way”
– Gonna arrest them?
“Gonna shut off your internet”