Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
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I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”