@ingmarbirdman

i sold all my lizards to buy my girlfriend a Toyota Tundra but she sold her drivers license to buy me a awesome obstacle course for lizards

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@KeetPotato

cop: “can you point at which zebra it was”
zebra: “ha good luck we all look the same”
me: [points at zebra wearing my sunglasses] “that one”

@LeBearGirdle

Wife: can you pick up milk?

Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy

Wife: I mean from the store

Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too

@bossybutfair

If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.

@tweetsbyrocket

[gf moving in]

her: can i set up a cloning machine in the basement

me: sure, make yourself at home

@Breadery

Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.

@TheMichaelRock

If Daryl doesn’t get laid this season, I’m gonna have to say that this documentary is fake.

#TheWalkingDead

@lolkthen_

[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: My first wife loved this movie.

Wife: I AM your first wife!

Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?

@Sickayduh

“911 what’s your emergency?”

– I’ve been catfished by a dozen men

“We’re on our way”

– Gonna arrest them?

“Gonna shut off your internet”